Wednesday, September 17, 2008

June's Referral Day............

I have thought long and hard about this post, it has been on my mind for weeks... What would I write? Will people who don't know us judge us? What will this anniversary be like? How will the boys feel?.....many questions.

I can honestly say that June's referral day 9/17/2007 was the most difficult day of my life. It was the day I gave up a dream...the dream of "Gracie". A dream that started when I was a child and a journey that started on June 6th, 2005. I love my boys with all my heart and soul, however, I always dreamed of having a daughter. My dream crumbled around me on 9/17/2007 when we decided to withdraw from Gracie's adoption.

At the time we withdrew we were heartbroken, grieving, as well as, emotionally and physically exhausted, all I wanted to do was go home to the US and sleep. Russ convinced me to press on. We did not know at the time what would happen, sometimes the CCAA gave a second referral sometimes they did not. We did know, however, our decision meant we could return without a child. We also knew we were not equipped as parents to handle the special needs of a child with undetermined medical needs, especially not knowing the affect on the boys. When we left The Office of Civil Affairs in Nanchang, we watched all the families we were traveling with signing their adoption papers. We were taken back to our hotel. Russ and I decided to go for a walk. After an hour walk through the streets of Nanchang we returned to our hotel where our guide met us with the news that the CCAA had an emergency meeting and decided to refer us another child. Our guide Veronica took us back to The Office of Civil Affairs. We sat in the room where all the families had met their children for the first time. The room, now empty except for the three of us was eerily quite. Veronica patiently translated as much of the medical information as she could and showed us the picture at the top of this post. We had to make our decision quickly to stay with our travel group and to avoid the government shut down the first week of October. I told Russ he would have to make the final decision....I will be forever grateful for his "yes".
Many people have asked if I felt anger about the situation we were put in, my answer is, "No". I do not know why our journey took a winding path, I do not know why we had to make the decisions we did. I do know however, our journey was the path God chose for our family and His path is perfect. With out the path we followed, Russ and I would not have one of the four greatest joys of our lives. I am nothing but thankful for our journey.

Gracie will forever be connected to my heart, I think of her each time I hold June. How could I not? If not for Gracie, June would not be part of our lives. I pray for her daily, I pray that medically she is well, but, I mostly pray that she feels loved. Although our adoption agency has made inquiries for us we have no news on how she is doing. I ask all who read this entry to pray or continuing praying for our "Gracie".


The above pictures are June's referral pictures. We received them after we arrived home from China, this is the first time I am publishing them:)


Jen said...


You are all in my prayers, You, Gracie, June and your story really made me think of their birth mothers too. A mother is a mother forever, whether the encounter is a lifetime or just a moment. You will be together again one fine day. Thanks for sharing a difficult time - it helps the rest of us have a different perspective.

*Kayla* said...

Her referral pictures are gorgeous! June is so beautiful. I loved your post and I'm praying for you and your family, and Gracie, too. I know how hard it must've been for you and your family to make the decision that you were forced to make in Nanchang that day, and give up your family's dream of Gracie, but June is a true blessing and I know God has a plan for you all. Including Gracie. I know that you and Mr. Russel made a mark in Gracie's life that she will carry with her for her whole life, even though she won't be able to remember it. Again, I'm praying for you all and I hope you have a very blessed Got'cha Day, with your beautiful June.

Ellen said...

What a powerful post. Thank you for sharing. I know how difficult that decision was. I admire your courage and bravery and love.

Rebecca said...

My sweet friend,
I can *feel* that day like it was yesterday. The dreams and love that overflowed from your heart were for Gracie, and they still belong to her. But even when you thought your heart would be broken for always, He gave you the daughter you were always meant to bring home when He placed June in your arms. I am truly amazed at the capacity that God gives our hearts to love. That being said, perhaps the biggest blessing of all is that your heart didn't have to make room for June. Our Lord just grew your heart even more...overflowing with love for both of your daughters.